Below are the 8 most recent journal entries recorded in c10h12n2o5ht's LiveJournal:

Thursday, July 27th, 2006
9:31 am	A Brief Interlude, or a push so to speak. Well. I have always said that when I start medschool I would need to crack down and cut pretty much everyone out of my life. Now seems like as good a time as any. Stress piled upon stress piled upon animosity piled upon broken windshields piled upon shitty old friends and people who aren't worth my time. For a couple years about 4 years ago or so I did that, and lost everyone I had known or ever gave a damn about. In one clean incision I cut them off and it was bliss. I made many people very angry with me, and in the process tossed to the wind everyone who had added anything to my life whether positive or negative, with no discretion as to who was more important than any other. By doing this I pulled myself out of drugs, bad habits, bad relationships and bad environments. I graduated top of my class with honors and moved to a city where I didn't know anyone. It worked then, should work now. Current Mood: cancerous (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 8th, 2006
3:35 pm	Because I needed a break from reading and being healthy. (Click here to post your own answers for this meme.) ✓ I miss somebody right now. ✓ I don't watch much TV these days.  (I don't watch any.) ✓ I own lots of books. ✓ I wear glasses or contact lenses. × I love to play video games. ✓ I've tried marijuana. ✓ I've watched porn movies. × I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. × I believe honesty is usually the best policy. ✓ I curse sometimes. ✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. × I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. ( it goes on... ) (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 6th, 2006
2:57 pm	Musing for my own sake. Do not read this post. It's a waste of your time. And I'll probably delete it shortly anyhow. Well, I've neglected posting online in a while. I guess I've had things going on I didn't feel like posting publicly about. Mental, emotional, physical changes and the such. All levels of interaction. I won't talk of it now, either. Just felt like posting. I'm in Florida, for the time being, visiting my mom, seeing rockets launch into space, and trying to be more healthy. Good bit of reading and writing done, more than a fair share of "relaxing", although relaxation in itself stresses me out. I've started journaling again, with good ol' pen and paper. Feels wonderful. It just took some determination, as does my recent endeavor to quit smoking. The gum helps, but it's no cure-all, that's for certain. It's better, though. I've come to a realization that my wanderlust, which I supplemented with my trip to Mexico, will not be contained. After Mexico I went back to New Orleans; anxious to be on the road again I went to Atlanta, and then wanted to be back in New Orleans, then once I arrived there I wanted to leave again, and now that I'm in Florida I want nothing more than to be back home. I wonder sometimes what I've done, opening this door to travel. Will I ever be content again to be in one place? Maybe with recent events I've needed to keep on the go, keep moving, keep experiencing. Staying in one place seems like a waste of my time. I'm addicted to my car, to the open road, and have found no greater pleasure than the 10 hour drive it was from New Orleans to St. Augustine. I spent the time pondering choices and decisions, my adventures and the ones I'm planning for the future, balanced off with too much red bull and Elvis and cigarettes and late night conversations with gas station attendants and waving at truckers, and drawing mustaches on my hands and chipping off toenail polish and singing at the top of my lungs because if not I might drive my jeep into the nearest embankment. So what do I do? I keep on driving, from one place to the other, thinking each time I get there it'll be different, that interactions with family will be what they used to, but they never are. Realizing I'm too much of an adult now to be fooled. Realizing that's what I've wanted all along. I've tried to isolate myself my entire life, through different tactics and methods, and I've suceeded. I keep writing and deleting what I've writen here, again and again and again and again. Maybe that's a sign to stop writing. Everything I keep saying comes out way too emotional, way too unlike me. But I've always said I would rather feel all the torturous levels of being manic than to ever feel sterile and empty. And it leads me to feeling the heights of love and the lowest levels of primal fear. But that's getting way too personal for the online community, and I would hate to ever show my weakness on any level. And that's what online posts are for anyway, right? To put out there things you want people to read, to try and elicit sympathy or understanding, or even to war with other through means of discussion or to bring up points scientific or otherwise that you want people to be aware of. Well, maybe that is what I'm doing. But I'll never tell you, so stop reading this. Immediately. Current Music: Victory at Sea- Bored Otherwise (9 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 7th, 2006
11:12 am	The Sun still rises in the East, apparently. Rebekah Pills: Will cause involuntary commitment to a mental institution 'What effect do you have on people?' at QuizGalaxy.com HA! Anyhow, I'm in St. Augustine now. Here today, Orlando tonight, back here, and then on to Georgia this next Thursday. Time to be getting back on the road. Leigh's babyshower is coming up, and I'm going to help Adrian move. Hopefully that won't be awkward, although for some reason I have a feeling it might be. Ah well. Necessary, I suppose, I've got things to take care of, obligations to stick to. And then after that, back to New Orleans, and then westward! I very much need to get out here. Adventure and freedom are calling my name (Or I'm calling it, I haven't decided which yet). And the boy with whom I've spent a majority of my time recently preoccupies my mind in a most inconvenient way. Current Mood: restless (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
1:45 am	Well, yes, I'm awful at keeping any kind of consistent journaling on the web. It's hard for me to find myself so damned important as to keep updating all of the three of you who will probably read this. So, apologies all around to that captivated crowd. *Yawn*. So, news to speak of? Well, school is finally coming to a close, thankfully, and I'll be very much excited when this semester's over. I haven't enjoyed it this semester at all. Too much going on. Next one will be better, I'm sure, now that I'm getting in the groove of things. That being said, it seems as though the summer is fast approaching. Everyone will be going separate ways, I'm sure, until the fall rolls around and everyone's bumming around the same damn places again. So, what of my pending adventures? I'm so glad you asked! First and foremost, foolish_creole and myself are taking an adventure to (hopefully) Mexico. And yes, I know, it's dangerous. And yes, I know, we could be killed and skinned and murdered and raped and have the very essence of our souls devoured by Acolnahuacatl himself. But that's the adventure of it! Bah. Tentative itenerary: New Orleans Baton Rouge Austin Corpus Christi Various plaves along the gulf coast of Mexico Cancun Tulum Bacalar Belize etc and where-ever we end up. So if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to let me know, I want to receive any advice and pointers that you would be willing to divulge. But on a different note, I had a friend come in from the desert this past weekend. It was a pleasent experience up until the last night he was here, and it ended on an awkward note, mixed with a fair dose of anxiety, throw it in a blender and it just comes out a whole lotta badness. But it's been dealt with and taken care of, and hopefully I won't have to think on it much any longer. Recently, I've been thinking up different things, various this and thats. One question I've thrown at people has been, "what type of transportation would you be?" It usually greets with people going "I don't know!" but the more you think on it the more interesting results I get back. Robert: WWI fighter plane. (Good call.) Steve: Steve is definitely a bike. No question about that. But a speedy and efficient street bike. I was kidding about the basket and bells. Grey: A riverboat. Also a good call on his part. And myself? I found myself to be a train. And why? Never on time, slow moving at times but fast as hell at others, old fashioned with a touch of timeless class, and loud as all hell. Sadly, people don't seem to agree with me much. Foolish_creole puported an old circa 1950's motorcycle. Any takers? Lemme know. And also, lemme know what you find yourself to be. I'm really interested in such a dumb topic. Eh, I'm burnt out now. Enough livejournal. Respond if you like. If not, I'm glad you found better things to do with your time. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
2:29 pm	Musings from my actual journal (Edited for propriety and the such) So I will be first to admit that my journaling skills have been less that desirable as of late. But I plan to change that as now I have more time to myself and this will continue to hold true in the future due to the recent circumstances that I am about to transcribe. As of some time last week I am officially single. My near four year relationship with Andy has come to a close. The details of it are hard to explain, not because they are painful or any such delusion, but because they were so simple and passive. Now I am free to grow, as I felt I have not done in quite some time. I have a freedom to experience without responsibility, to know that I will not be hurting someone who cares deeply for me, but cannot follow me on my path of exploration. I appreciate the time I had with him dearly, or, more appropriately, I am grateful for the stability such a relationship can provide. But stability means not changing, and to not change means to be stagnant, and to be stagnant means I am not performing my function, and if I am not performing my function then I am being a waste of the flesh for which I was so generously provided, and a consumer of oxygen that could be better appropriated. But enough of my previous relationship woes, it will do me well not to speak of them again. Look towards the future! And in doing so, I must divulge the beginning of my exploits. Due to my sudden change of interest, I feel as though the social circle with which I have been familiarizing myself with has seen my musings in a different light. Maybe it's a personal thing but in general I feel as though sides have been taken, although I emphatically hope not. It is what it is, and I cannot fault anyone for it. I have a feeling more sides will be taken for everyone I know, as a divide is created. Le sigh. I will not seek to change anyones mind, my catalyst will not suffice to be motive enough for all the parties involved. I will try to keep an open mind, though, and remain hopeful that I don't come across as how most people are seeing it. Waiting is. I have moved out and found an apartment on my own, one of which I adore and hold in the highest regard as it feels like I'm finally coming home to something worth coming home to. And that is Nothing. Absolute quiet and rest. It is refreshing in the most unbelievable ways. I am surprised by how much I adore the situation. I still have much to learn and experience. Experience at all costs! With my seeming excommunication, it is good to know that the residents at the Abbey have been most gracious in accommodating my sudden presence. It's (cliche, I know) a breath of fresh air to be around so many like-minded and motivated individuals. I plan to soak up and enjoy the experience as much as possible. Last night I joined them for one of the open forums they typically host on Tuesday evenings and listened to Michael lecture on William Blake and his inter-connectivity to Thelema. I mostly remain quiet at these meetings, as I desire to become properly versed in the material before I set out to form opinions of my own. My goal is to remain objective, and to not become intimidated by the amount of knowledge I've yet to gain. What's more, I know that when I have something to say at long last it will be near impossible for any force, whether it be man or otherwise, to shut me up. After the forum there were various other occurrences that meant a great deal to me, but I feel it inappropriate to document them here. Looking back at my post, I realize that a great deal has been edited out. Ah well. They are documented in great detail in my personal journal. It was very unnerving and calming at the same time. When it reached the end, I was astonished to find there were the beginnings of tears in my eyes. I cannot explain the "why" behind them, other than the fact that it was a sublime mixture between religious fervor and blissful ecstasy. I finished feeling cleansed and questioning. More will come of this, I'm sure, but for now I am finished documenting. On a side note, an excerpt from Rene Descartes' Meditations on First Philosophy Meditation One: Concerning Those Things That Can Be Called Into Doubt "But eventually I am forced to admit that there is nothing among the things I once believed to be true which it is not permissible to doubt- and not out of frivolity or lack of forethought, but for valid and considered reasons. Thus I must be no less careful to withhold assent henceforth even from these beliefs than I would from those that are patently false, if I wish to find anything certain. But it is not enough simply to have realized these things; I must take steps to keep myself mindful of them. For long standing opinions keep returning, and, almost against my will, they take advantage of my credulity, as if it were bound over to them by long use and the claims of intimacy. I would do well to deceive myself by turning my will completely the opposite direction and pretend for a time that these opinions are wholly false and imaginary, until finally, as if with prejudices weighing down each side equally, no bad habit should turn my judgment any further from the correct perception of things." Current Music: Victory at Sea- No Reason to Stay (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 1st, 2006
10:53 pm	Finally. It's over! About time. Mardi Gras seemed to draw out forever, although I will admit that this year's has been an exceptionally strange Mardi Gras. The whole mess of people came down from Georgia and what have you for supposed 1/4 debauchery. As chance would have it, it was mostly filled with awkward moments and people not really having a good time. We had Nick, Adrian, Drew, Anthony, Dan and Adam stay at the house. A bunch of people, I know, and it seemed quite full at all times. The quiet has been nice. I haven't really been back to my house since Sunday night, and this is the first time I've had since then to sit on my ass and not do a single thing. Ah, how refreshing! I'm battling being sick and being hungover, in addition to having my mom down. She drove down this evening. And while I'm glad to have her here to help me move, at the same time nothing would make me happier than to have a couple days to myself and regroup and reorganize. Unfortunately, I've got to move this week/weekend, and so it'll be a long time till I get that much needed relaxation. Monday I dropped off the boys at the airport, and headed over to the Abbey, where I met up with Robert and we ventured off to meet up with two of his friends, a boy named Josh with whom he had had previous conflict but apparently it's now all resolved, and his girlfriend who changes her name often. Went to Flora's and enjoyed coffee and conversation with a religious quasi-pervert whom attempted to educate Robert on the principles of spirituality which Robert so obviously lacks. Afterwards, buggy derby! What more can be said? Fantastic scene, with the craziest kids in the craziest costumes, wrecking large metal contraptions into each other all in the midst of music and dancing on cars. Truly a sight to see. I got a couple pictures, but they don't do the situation justice. I wish I had gotten more pictures of the last few days, but as it is I tend to forget that I own a digital camera. In any case, we went back to the Abbey, where we proceeded to get smashingly drunk off of fantastic wine which James (the sexy James beast from Baton Rouge) provided. At which point it all becomes a little vague, a man named Brad appeared, seemingly from somewhere in Arkansas. The rest of the group departed for destinations unknown and Robert and I passed out. I awoke the next morning bright and cheery, with the traces of a hangover and a hankering for action. We ventured out to the 1/4 for Cafe Du Monde, and had a hell of a time seeing the 1/4 alive and breathing again, packed with beautiful people in magnificient costumes and dining to our hearts content while listening to the jazz band play. Ah, home! I went home for showering and various other small tasks (after a drive which nearly lasted an hour!) and headed back out again, finding that Brad's head had been shaved in the process. Not a bad look for him. A lot cooler, I can imagine. While stumbling up the steps I run into two lovely gothic ladies also stumbling along, although their's can at least be attributed to alcohol. They greet me most warmly, and invite Robert and I over to their backyard for wine and conversation. And how can I ever deny a beautiful women with a stunning figure and a bottle of wine? Precisely! SO, we collect Brad and mozey on over, and strike up great conversation and consume their wine. A most strange man named Jeff (her neighbor) joined us. Although I could make an entire post about Jeff, I will not even go into great detail concerning the hilarity of this man as it will turn into a most awful rant. After this, we met up with a rather large group of individuals. All of whom are most timid and shy. Almost painfully so. I want to grab them all by the hair and spin them about and make them smile. So self conscious and meek. Maybe next time I'll just deck one of them. Or maybe not. Needless to say, much alcohol was consumed, much walking was done. At the end of the night, I was somewhat drunken again, and more than a fair share exhausted. We went back to the Abbey, attempted to watch Kill Bill and at some point I woke up the next morning, still sick and hungry for Rally's. Rally's! How I miss you! And how I crave you sweet chocolately milkshake goodness, no matter the awful things you will do to me. And now I'm home. Exhausted, sick, and awkward as all you can imagine. I start packing tomorrow and will continue to power-pack as I want to move in completely by this weekend. Hurrah! So now the Mardi Gras seasons is finished and done with. While it was much welcome, I am ready for some peace and quiet. I think I shall start with a hot bath and some reading before my brain shuts down. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 12th, 2006
8:17 pm	Eventful! First things first. Please, don't read this journal. It's a waste of your time. Go on now, put down the mouse, peel yourself out of your chair and find something more productive to do with you time. Because these entries are most likely worthless to anyone other than me. That being said, HI. Everyone in the known universe has a Livejournal, so I decided, well, since I am a fellow lemming, I guess I might as well. *LEAP* I'm from New Orleans. Well, Metairie, more specifically, soon to be Orleans after I move. Which should be in not too long. A major change from the 'burbs to the city. Hurrah! Makes me happy. If not for the simple fact of a change of pace, then at least it'll be something that's constructive. Although I also wish it were under better circumstances. Le sigh. But yes. Freedom! I have that now, I suppose. And I will find a place and live by myself. But I can't cook very well, so this means I will depend on the charity of others to sustain me. I can never resist someone at my door propositioning food or sex. Man, am I weak. Speaking of which, first parade for Mardi Gras, Krewe de Vieux, was last night. Fucking amazing! Undoubtedly a wonderful evening, full of craziness. And more craziness. And more craziness. I am so glad Mardi Gras is here. *Does a little dance* (3 Comments |Comment on this)